godsownbob's Xanga

Home is Behind...The World Ahead....

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:57:35 GMT

...And this is not one of the paths I shall tread.

I started this blog on August 18th, 2004. That was a very different time of my life. Before I'd had a post-high school job. I didn't know half of the friends I have now. I hadn't yet experienced any of the pains or joys I've had since. And so many are documented here.

I don't know why I blog. I don't know why I like to document things, but I do. And in the archives of this Xanga, a lot of those memories I've held on to will stay. I may get an archive to hang on to later.

But now, I'm leaving Xanga.

I know I'm being kind of dramatic. But you know what? I don't think it's ridiculously so. Because really, Xanga has been kind of a semi-important part of my life. I remember when Xanga didn't have video or audio features. Heck, I've been around for most of the features they've had installed.

Honestly, I think that's part of what's motivating me. The features are getting too messy. Xanga isn't a social networking site, and it's trying to be. And I don't like it.

But that's only got me thinking about leaving. I think I'm also doing it to get a change.

My life is changing a lot right now. Like, a lot. More than the majority of the people I know are aware of. It's almost like God hit the reset button on some things. It's not major in the grand scheme of life, but really big for me.

So, I'm moving to a Blogspot. I'll be embedding the blog into my website (when I get it finished). And I'll continue to syndicate that blog to Facebook (which is where most people read it anyway).

Just need to change some things.

Well, for the last time on Xanga...

Tagline...

--- "Whaddya mean you formatted the cat?!" ---

Confidence

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 21:19:47 GMT

I'll tell you, my problem isn't a lack of confidence. I've been told this before in one way or another on a number of occasions. But, you know, I don't think that's exactly it. I think it's more that I over think things too much. I over think about who I am, what I can do, and whether or not that matters.

And it doesn't help that I'm louder than most people about my misgivings.

I suppose I could do the whole "look it up in the dictionary" thing to start my analysis of confidence, but come on, we all know what we mean when we say someone has "confidence".

It means they show a maturity of being able to stand on their own. They don't need people to tell them they're doing a good job all the time. They're not insecure. They know who they are, and they're ok with it. Which frees up their brain to think about other things, like getting done what they need to get done, or being available for their friends and loved ones, should they need or want them around.

Hmmm...

The problem I have is when confidence bumps right up against arrogance. And let me tell you, if there's one thing I want to avoid more than insecurity, it's arrogance. I've been down that road before. Oh, you'd never know it, but I thought I was better than you. Man, I was so much smarter than you. Wiser, too. I knew what was going on so much more than you did. And I was cooler. Probably.

It shows. It's subtle, but it shows.

Yeah, so, you've got on the one hand, trying to avoid being arrogant, thinking too much of yourself, and then you've also got to be confident, not thinking too little of yourself.....

....
...

A wise man I know once said, "Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less."

I think he was quoting someone else. But either way, it's true.

You know what? I don't want to be confident. I don't want to be insecure, or arrogant. I want to be...I don't know. I want to be the fourth option. Whatever that is. The one where I don't freak out about by problems, or overblow my strengths, not because I have a healthy perspective of who I am, but rather, because I'm not even thinking about it at all.

I'm not sure how that plays out in real life. You can follow the whole "What Would Jesus Do" mentality and try to figure it out from there, but problem is, Jesus was in a bit of a different situation...you know, being God and all.

And the apostles? Well, they kinda couldn't shut up about Him.

........No, I won't have confidence in myself. Not in the traditional way, that is. Because you know what? I'm not one to be relied on. Sure, I can accomplish things, but...well, I'm simply not the best. How about that? That good enough?

You know what the real cause is behind insecurity and arrogance? The desire to be loved. Funky, huh? People who are arrogant want attention, and so they demand it based on what they can do. People who are insecure (I use the term loosely, as arrogant people can also be called insecure) want attention and affection because they're so pathetic. They want someone to rescue them because they care about them. So they'll advertise their failures, hoping the hero will come.

I was driving down to Georgia Tech last night, where I was going to meet up with some friends of mine for an after-dance-after-party. And I had an epiphany.

My Creator cares about me. And that's big. This much I knew already...but that implies something else.

The fact that my Creator loves me is more important than ANYTHING you think of me. I don't care who "you" are, your opinion doesn't matter as much as His. You can like me or not, you can think I'm an idiot, you can think I have no style, rhythm, or cool points at all. Fine. You can think I don't know what I'm doing, even in my area of expertise, good, then. I'm gonna be just fine.

Because my Creator loves me. And that's all I need to be able to get on with life. I can keep pursuing what I need to pursue without getting hung up on what you think of me. Not because "I know how good I am", or "I'm confident in who I am."

No, I'm not confident in who I am.

I'm confident in I Am.

Tagline...

--- "If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization." ---

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:33:11 GMT

For those who know of Beast Wars transformers.

This is a....fan film?

It is so incredibly cheesy. Terrible production quality. Horrific voice acting. Absolutely everything about this video loses.

I love this video.

And yet, how I hate it.

Hilarious.

Tagline...

--- "What doesn't kill me makes me laugh at how feeble it is." ---

So, What's YOUR Favorite Letter?

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:02:19 GMT

I was in the Yahoo! Answers thing again. In the "Computers and Internet" category was this question:

"What's your favorite letter on the keyboard?"

.....Hehehe. I couldn't resist.

This was my answer:

"S. He's such an individual. You know how a lot of letters have a letter kind of like it? M has N (and to a lesser extent Z). W has M. A has V.

I, T, and L all got that vertical line thing going on. K, P, E, F, and R are all just fancy vertical-liners. Then there's D and B. I mean, what is B but two Ds? And then there's Y which is just a V on stilts. There's One-Legged Q, and his no legged brother O.

.....But S? Man, S has got it going on. One fluid line, and yet so many complex curves. Such finesse and style. Even words that have "s" in them are cooler because of it. Smooth. Slick. Smarmy.

Oh, yeah. S is where it's at."

So, what's YOUR favorite letter?

..........This is what I'm posting at 6am?!!! I haven't slept yet.

Hehe. Funky.

(I promise I've been up most of the time for better reasons then Yahoo! Answers.)

Tagline...

--- "There's too much blood in my caffeine system." ---

Monday, January 14, 2008

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:45:11 GMT

John: "Go! I'm not the one you want! You're wasting your time."

T-101: "Incorrect. John Connor leads the resistance to victory."

John: "How? Why? Why me?"

T-101: "You're John Connor."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Interesting, isn't it?

I'll skip the backstory of the Terminator series. Look it up if you want. But it's fascinating how John Connor, who has yet to go through all the things in life he's gonna go through, all the things he'll accomplish, and all the pain he'll endure....he doubts. He doubts whether or not he can do it.

The T-101 who's already been there, seen it. It's simply a matter of fact for him. John's in a tough situation, freaking out, doubting whether or not he can pull it off. The T-101 responds with simply, "You're wrong."

Not to encourage him, or tell him how great he is. Simply that it's going to happen.

I once heard Louie Giglio speak about Moses and the burning bush. Fascinatingly, Moses gets all freaked out about his ability to go to Pharaoh, release the captive Jews, and lead them to the promised land. Moses doesn't think he can pull it off.

What does I Am tell him? Well, quite simply, He tells Moses, "I'll be with you." Not that Moses is all that great. Not, "You can do it Moses!" But rather, that the Creator is there. I Am could use anyone. He chose Moses. And it's because of the Creator that Moses can pull it off.

We sang a song today at Young Adults. "Not to us, but to Your name be the glory."

That's what I'm talking about.

In other Terminator quotes, concerning the T-101's revelation that Katherine will one day be John's wife:

John: "You sure about this? About her and me, I mean?"

Ahnold: "Your confusion is not rational. She is a healthy female of breeding age."

John: "I think there's a little more to it than that."

Ahnold: "My database does not encompass the dynamics of human pair bonding." *walks off*

......Me neither, Arnold. Me neither.

Tagline...

--- "I can handle pain until it hurts." ---

I Just Watched Boondock Saints

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 04:55:36 GMT

In short: it's a movie about these two Irish brothers who decide to start killing mob bosses, rapists, murderers...all the "bad people". Because the justice system is so flawed, so much red tape that criminals can slip through (quoted). What really needs to happen is for someone to just say, "enough" and kill the bad guys, once and for all.

The concept doesn't settle with me. Vigilante justice. I mean, yeah, if I saw a 6th grader beating up a fourth grader, quite frankly, I'ma incapacitate the kid. I mean that literally. I will stop that punk. But not hurt him. not unnecessarily so.

The idea of going out and looking for the fight. Somehow that doesn't settle. It just.....

And then I realized why.

Goodness isn't the absence of evil.

Evil is the absence of good.

Tagline...

--- "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain. And most do." ---

Romance. Yep, I'm Blogging About It Again

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 00:59:25 GMT

The whole concept of romance is just tops turvy. Writing anything about it feels cliche and, in the light of all that's been written on the subject, ridiculously pointless and noobish. Because, really, what do I know about romance? I've had what? One failed relationship with a girl?

Failed? No.....that's flawed thinking.

Maybe I DO have something to say.

Here's the thing. At least in the circle of people I know at this time in life. We're Christians. Most of us, right? What "Christian" means, in a nutshell, is that what we want isn't the only thing we have to consider when making our decisions, including romantic ones. We also have to consider the desires of our God. It means we have to discuss with Him what He wants.

That, in a lot of cases, turns the subject of "do I like her?" into "should I pursue her?".

Truth be told, if I wasn't a Christian, the decision would be so much easier. I'd know exactly what to do. There would be no stinking confusion. I'd like a girl, hang out with her, gauge whether or not she likes me (it's not actually difficult to figure out), and if so, go for it.

But now I'm supposed to think more about it. I'm supposed to not just jump into a relationship. Right? I'm supposed to exert self-control and make wise decisions, right? But what's the wise decision? What's the goal, then, if not just 'Who do I like and do they like me?'

I wonder if some folks who've disregarded this whole concept did so, not so much because they had an overwhelming hormonal desire, but just because it's too stinking confusing. "Close your eyes, grit your teeth, hang on, and take a shot," is so much easier.

......

Let me ask you Christian guys something. (Girls are free to answer, too. I'd like your opinions as well, but I'm targeting guys.)......

Is it advisable for a guy to date a bunch of girls, to see what works?

Most of the guys I know would say no. That dating around is a casual, hap-hazard approach to dating. I mean, if you just like a girl, and that's all you're going on, you're doomed to fail. Right?

So, what's the alternative? Get it right on the first try? Know so well what you're getting into that you couldn't possibly mess it up?

Romance isn't that safe. Because you know what? I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I first decided to follow my God. Had He shown me just how much it would suck, I might not have done it. But I'm glad I did. And I'm glad He took me through it slowly.

....What's the goal, huh? What's the freaking goal?

I'll tell you this. If the "Christian way" to approach romance is "get it right on the first try", I'm done for. Cause guess what? It's no secret to most of my friends, I was in a romantic relationship. It didn't work out.

Did I do something wrong? Was getting into the relationship a mistake? Is that what I'm supposed to conclude, because it didn't go right? Did I make some mistake about her, or about me, or about whether or not we should try a relationship?

No. And yes.

You know what? I talked to Him about it. I was confused and messed up out the wazoo when I did, and my head was not on straight (find a guy who like a girl and DOES have his head on straight. I'll pay twenty bucks to see it). But I did. I'm relatively certain mistakes were made before, after and during. I'm not sure how many were preventable.

Should I avoid taking the chance because of possible pain?

I have no freaking idea.

I got some advice from a wise man once.

"Find a girl that will love God more than she loves you."

Trouble is I try and take that to be a literal test. Like, this is the mark you have to meet before I'll ask you out. It's amazing advice, though. Because nothing else matters. Nothing but Him.

It's not the concept that's difficult. It's the application. And that's where wisdom is.

Wisdom isn't a bunch of witty sayings and proverbs. Wisdom isn't knowing stuff about how stuff works. You don't get wisdom from listening to a bunch of sermons and teachings and seminars.

Wisdom is knowing how to take what you know and apply it.

And you know what? I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I've only learned a couple things. Love your Creator above all else. And never give into your fear.

...When all is said and done...

.........Tagline...

--- "Love is still the only game not called on account of darkness." ---

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 16:21:10 GMT

I was going to make a ranting post. Stupid. In any case, I haven't moved my tagline collection into the Mac yet, so I've been using my old Xanga posts as reference.

I decided, instead, to post an old entry.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Justification

You can justify anything.

I've said this to many people on many occasions. It's true. No matter what the action is, you can somehow, someway, justify it.

Before I continue, though, a definition of terms is in order.

Justification, as defined by dictionary.com is

1.) The act of demonstrating or proving to be just, right, or valid.

2.) The act of declaring free of blame

3.) The act of freeing (a human) of the guilt and penalty attached to grevious sin. Used of God.

4.) Law, To demonstrate sufficient legal reason for (an action taken)

To put it simply, the act of justification is (when performed by a person), making your case for why you did something and why it's ok, or making it at least seem like it's not as bad as it seems.

The act of justification on God's part is his privilege and I'm going to talk about that later.

A while back I was reading my NIV study bible that's half-bible, half-notes about the Bible. Literally. Some pages are more notes than verse. I kid you not. Sometimes they're useful, sometimes they're a big run-around, but this occasion I'm talking about was useful.

It pointed out two very separate, though linked verses and noticed a big ol' contrast between them. They both center around two very important kings of Israel who both sinned big time. One deals with Saul who directly violated the command of the Lord to obliterate his enemy entirely, livestock and all, but instead, kept the animals with the excuse that his people were going to sacrifice them to God. The other deals with the ever-famous adultery of David. In both scenarios, there is a prophet who comes to the kings on behalf of the Lord to confront them with their sin. The following verses are their respective responses.

"Then Saul said to Samuel, "I have sinned. I violated the LORD's command and your instructions. I was afraid of the people and so I gave into them. Now, I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me, so that I may worship the LORD. But Samuel said to him, "I will not go back with you. You have rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD has rejected you as king over Israel!" (1 Samuel 15:24:26 NIV)

And now, David's response to Nathan, when he was confronted with his sin.

"Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned agains the LORD," And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die." 2 Samuel 12:13 NIV)

Big whopping difference here.

The words of Saul are riddled with self-justification and self-preservation. Oh, Saul admits that what he did was wrong. He says "I have sinned. I violated the LORD's command and your instructions."

I find the last part of that interesting. I mean, did Saul really think it necessary to inform Samuel of what he had done wrong when Samuel came to him to confront him about it?

You ever met someone who is pretty much known as a flagrant sinner, but when you talk to them, they have semi-convincing arguments, and even seem aware of their sin...and tell you about it all the time? Like, when you try and discuss their issues, they'll tell you all about their issues instead? Maybe I'm the only one who's ever seen this, but I've talked to people who will elaborate greatly on their own sin...almost as if they want to convince me they're more spiritual or whatever because it's an issue they're working on or something. Because, I mean, it's better if it's a problem they know about and they're working on, then if they're just finding out about it, right? I mean, if they're fighting it and if they can prove they didn't actually need you to tell them about their problems, that means it's better...right?

Moving on...

"I was afraid of the people and so I gave into them." Now we've moved from the "maybe he really feels bad about what he did, or maybe he's putting on a show, who knows?" to straight self-justification.

No, Saul's not saying that because he was afraid of the people that what he did was ok, but he's still trying to make himself look better. Maybe if he can get Samuel to pity him or think that it was a really tough decision, then maybe it won't be so bad that he messed up. Maybe if Samuel thinks that Saul was doing his best...well, that's all that really counts, right? So long as Saul does his best, is it really so bad if he cracks under the pressure once in a while? I mean, after all, it was really hard to resist that.

Moving on...

"Now I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me, so that I may worship the LORD."

Well, it all comes out there doesn't it? What Saul wants is the quick fix.

Oh, sure, it looks like all he really wants to do is just follow God. All he wants to do is just do what's right. He just wants to worship God. Yet, without letting Samuel get a word in edge-wise, he has given several reasons why it was so hard and so difficult for him to resist the sin, several reasons why his SIN was not so bad. Then begs for it to all be better and back the way it was........

...So he won't have to pay the price.

He's still afraid. He was afraid before of what the people would say to him. Now he's afraid of what Samuel will say to him. Or worse, what God will say to him. Although, I'm willing to bet he was more afraid of Samuel, or at least equally afraid of them both, as, in his second sentence, he acknowledges his sin against God and Samuel.

Let me tell you something...I've been around a lot of liars in my life. I've known a lot of people who say what they say for show. I've observed many occasions where people will do the whole "God-spiel", talking themselves up spiritually, using all the right words, but it's always centered around "I". And it's that underlying theme that gives their motives away. It's that constant "make myself look better" strain that gives away what they're really wanting.

Those type of folks don't want to serve God unconditionally....but they want the respect that is associated with it. They want people to think well of them.

Now, this isn't isolated to a group of people, for we all, myself included do this at some point. In fact, in this very post, I removed a paragraph because I thought it was talking myself up too much. I've considered also removing the previous sentence for that same reason, but it demonstrates the point, so I'll just suck it up this time.

Before I go on, why don't we examine David's response to Nathan the prophet, and Nathan's response back.

"Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD"

......

....

...That's it? No! You can't do that! You have to tell him why you did it! You have to tell him all about what you were thinking while you did it! You have to give him a whole list of reasons why it's NOT SO BAD!!

No. David preferred a more simple response. "I have sinned against the LORD."

Nevermind that he sinned against Bathsheba by making her an adulteress (not to imply that she was free of any guilt...the point is David's lack of respect and honor for her). Nevermind that he made a pretty big sin against Uriah, Bathsheba's wife, by sending him to his death so that he could marry Bathsheba without a public fiasco. Nevermind that Nathan told him the story of this whole ordeal in a parable form to David himself and David, in his response, reveal his own hypocrisy. David simply ackowledged that a.) he sinned...no excuses, and 2.) that any sin against any person is, ultimately, a sin against God Himself.

David didn't attempt to justify himself. David didn't attempt to give sufficient reason for his actions taken. David didn't even try and make himself look a little bit better. Why? Because he had offended his loving God, the one he loved, and that was big. That was enough for him to realize just how insignificantly puny and wretched he was, next to God. When standing next to a God bigger than the universe, why try and make yourself look bigger by puffing out your chest? It's useless.

Ironically, he gets a better response than Saul got from Samuel.

"...And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die."

Here's where things get really backward and, for me, slightly hilarious. Because Saul was trying so hard to make himself look better by explaining his perspective and explaining why he did what he did and explaining why it wasn't so bad...

But David was the one who maintained favor in the sight of God. Why? Because he said the right phrase? Because he refrained from trying to justify himself? Because he kept his mouth shut? Because he was too focused on how he did wrong that he wasn't concerned with his own image? Or maybe even because he felt really, really bad and he sincerely wanted to turn from his own sin?

No. Not any of these. I will say this, the last one, the sincere change of heart is necessary to receive God's grace and forgiveness, but it's not the reason we have it.

On a side note, I like Louie Giglio. He has, on more than one occasion, pointed out little things in the Bible that are easily passed by the majority of the church, and yet crucial to our faith. He's the one who pointed out this very crucial missing part of a very famous passage...

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God," then he says, "A lot of people like to put a period there. It's not a period it's a comma...." "and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-34 NIV)

Getting back to the point...our justification, our position of still being ok and acceptable in spite of our sin is NOT due to the fact that it was hard to resist that sin, or that we did our best. We like to do that. We like to make ourselves look better in the sight of our fellows by trying to dumb down what we've done, or make it seem like it's not as big of a deal as it is, but truth be told....we, quite frankly, are HORRIBLE at doing this Christian thing. We are all miserable failures at living this Christian life. That's what the first part of that passage is all about. We all have sinned. We've all messed up and not made it to the level God has. We've all not done as well as God has. Therefore, we don't deserve to be looked at like we're as great as God.

Now, it's not that we want to say we're perfect like God, but we constantly try to get as close to that as possible, don't we? We constantly try to make ourselves look as godly as possible! When, honestly, we mess up daily! Let me bring it to something more real...I mess up daily! I messed up at work today. I messed just shortly before beginning this post! I have done nothing today to merit being viewed with even remotely near as much admiration and wonder as God does. In fact, I have more than likely, in recent weeks and months and years, done more to prove that I ought to be kicked out of the kingdom of heaven completely. Not even to be included in the lowest of levels of this kingdom.

Truth be told...I should be kicked out of this whole thing, I mess up at it SO BAD! For those who don't know what goes on behind the scenes of my life (which is pretty much all y'all), to put it as clearly as I possibly can...I am the master of MESSING THIS UP! To make the verse more personal, I have sinned and I have fallen short of the glory of God. WAY short. Shorter than you would likely believe.

....

....Comma.

"and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

The reason I'm in, if you'll accept that term, the reason I am able to say the name of the Lord at all, the reason I can say anything worth hearing about Christ, the reason it's all possible is...Jesus.

The simple fact of the matter is, I am horrible at being a Christian. I am horrible at following God. But God, through the works of Christ, made it possible for me to follow Him anyway. He made it possible for me to say "Jesus save me!"

I can't explain exactly how. This is a great mystery. One so big it will take an eternity to come close to comprehending it. But here's what I know...I don't follow God because I'm good enough to. And when I mess up, it's not how hard I tried or will try in the future that keeps me on God's good side. And it's not saying the right words that keeps me on God's good side. It is absolutely, 100%, totally, completely, and without exception, NOTHING I do that causes me to be acceptable to God.

The cause of that is solely Jesus Christ. It all began with God and it all ends with God. I have no part in it.

You know what's interesting? I learned this lesson from a friend...but the truth is, when we try to justify ourselves, we may make ourselves look a bit better in the sight of those around us. But when we're honest, when we acknowledge just how much we mess up...and then acknowledge the truth that God still loves us...

That's when people see God and see how awesome He is.

When we make much of ourselves, or light of our own sin, we stifle the glory of God. Or at least, attempt to.

Perhaps Paul's direction to "confess your sins one to another" is for more purpose than just accountability and what not. Perhaps its so that others will see "Wow...these guys are really messed up!!! ...And they're God still loves them. I like this God."

Truth be told, you can come up with any story you want to make any sin you have look any degree of alright you want. You can murder someone in cold blood and there will still be a story you could come up with, some kind of justification that won't make it seem so bad. But in the end, it's better for yourself, those around you, but most importantly, for the glory of God to be honest.

Besides...who are we trying to kid anyway? If we have to be honest...the world is on to us. The number one stereotype of Christians is "hypocrite". They see us say one thing and do another. And then they defame our God because of our own actions. Our willingness to preach God's word, but our unwillingness to act it out...which says to the world in a big, loud megaphone, "IT'S NOT REALLY WORTH IT TO FOLLOW GOD!!!"

So why pretend? Why act like we have it altogether?

"When I came to you brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." (1 Corinthians 2:1-5 NIV)

....Tagline...

--- "Don't ask for justice when what you really want is mercy." ---

Name The Song

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:05:20 GMT

I made a CD of songs I like. First time I've ever done that. I've decided to commemorate the occasion by making a list of one line from each song. Guess the song. Bonus points for guessing the band, too.

No band/group/singer is used on the CD twice.

1 -- "If I had me a genie inside Aladdin's lamp/I'd tell him Mr. Genie go on and do your thing."
2 -- "I would take 'no' for an answer/Just to know I heard you speak."
3 -- "I need a language large as/This longing inside."
4 -- "If you're like me you make believe/That everything that could possibly/Go wrong is gonna happen here tonight."
5 -- "Prance omelet stalking chimneysweep eleven hatred earmuff ok rathskaller"
6 -- "Nevermind our plan-making/We'll start living/Anyway aren't you unbearably sad?"
7 -- "Take a look at a boy like me/Never stood on my own two feet/Now I'm blue as I can be"
8 -- "There's nothing quite like/being sure of/what's inside your heart."
9 -- "So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?/So you think you can love me and leave me to die?"
10 -- "You thought you were being so kind by keeping your mouth sealed shut/Rather than just opening up.."
11 -- "To be invincible/Is unattainable/Without sacrifice."
12 -- "He seems to think that he's some sort of thinker/A man who sits and contemplates the rain."
13 -- "You're the song of my soul's salvation/Life that cannot be taken"
14 -- "So many times it happens so fast/You change your passion for glory"
15 -- "And all I see could never make me happy/And all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing."
16 -- "I already know the ending/It's the part that makes your face implode."
17 -- "We won't stop 'til we see the morning/So welcome to the quiet before the storm hits."
18 -- "So put to death the life you've lived in doubt/I'll show you all the things you've heard about."

Have fun.

Most songs right gets a cookie.

Tagline...

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ASPERGER!!!!

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 19:26:17 GMT

After a conversation with a friend of mine turned into an exposition of my disorders, I decided to look them up online.

Brief history: I was originally diagnosed with Epilepsy. This turned out to be slightly incorrect (meaning...incorrect). I then found out I had Tourette's Syndrome....and ADHD.....and OCD. And a bunch of other stuff. Around high school time, after a bunch of therapy sessions, medications, and programs I'd gone through, they said, "Well, actually, what you really have is Asperger's syndrome, which is like an umbrella disorder that encompasses all the others."

"Does that change the treatment or whatever?"
"Not really, no."
"Call it whatever you want!"

...And so I do.

Anyways, I was reading in the Wikipedia article about Asperger's. It's awesome!!! Just about all of my funky quirks are listed in there! Including the following (footnoted for Wikipedia's phrasing of the symptom):

-- Not having fun at parties (Seriously, not kidding.)[1]
-- Weird eye contact and physical mannerisms [2]
-- Talking for a long time about stuff nobody cares about [3]
-- Motor "tics" (hence the confusion with Tourette's Syndrome).
-- Using big words unnecessarily [4]
-- Changing topics for little to no good reason (other than it's hilarious) [5]
-- Taking things literally instead of figuratively...hilarity ensures. [6]
-- Making analogies like, "A bad day is like there being a bunch of monkeys on all the light poles flinging poo just everywhere! Today....there are no monkeys!" [7]
-- Mishearing people (ha! it WASN'T the loud music!!! Boo yah!) [8]
-- Just plain talking funny. [9]
-- Dropping stuff, bumping into stuff, and being all-around clumsy. [10]
-- I don't smell stuff. [11]

This is just so freaking cool!

I kinda stopped thinking about my disorders for a while. Like a long while. It used to be part of my standard introduction process. "Hi, I'm Bob! I have Tourette's Syndrome! Wanna see me tic?!" (Side Note: hehehehehe.)

Seriously, though, a lot of the weird things I do now make sense. And like my friend said when she found out....I'm quirky, but there's an explanation for it.

Fixating on things, trying desperately to understand stuff, almost obsessively so. A lot of it has to do with disorders.

And the best part? If I have a symptom that causes problems with people, I can get over it.

I used to have a really hard time telling when I was monologuing and no one cares. And while I still stick to my abrupt transitions (because they're fun), my friends will tell you, if I get to talking about a subject at length, and even think I'm dominating the conversation, not caring about the person I'm talking to, I'll interrupt myself. I'll stop my monologue, despite the fact that I could, honestly, go on...and on...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

Just from reading my blog, you know that.

...It doesn't have to define me. At least the bad parts don't. It is escapable. Thank God. Literally.

</asperger's>

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Footnotes:

[1] -- Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or enjoy spontaneous interests or achievements with others....

[2] -- and impaired nonverbal behaviors such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.

[3] -- ...people with AS are not usually withdrawn around others; they approach others, even if awkwardly, for example by engaging in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic while being oblivious to the listener's feelings or reactions, such as signs of boredom or haste to leave.

[4] -- ...language acquisition and use is often atypical. Abnormalities include verbosity;...

[5] -- ...abrupt transitions...

[6] -- ...literal interpretations and miscomprehension of nuance...

[7] -- ...use of metaphor meaningful only to the speaker....

[8] -- ...auditory perception deficits....

[9] -- ....and oddities in loudness, pitch, intonation, prosody, and rhythm....

[10] -- Asperger’s initial accounts^[1] and other diagnostic schemes^[17] include descriptions of motor clumsiness.

[11] -- ...They may be unusually sensitive or insensitive to sound, light, touch, texture, taste, smell, pain, temperature, and other stimuli, and they may exhibit synesthesia, for example, a smell may trigger perception of color;

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