| | I'll tell you, my problem isn't a lack of confidence. I've been told this before in one way or another on a number of occasions. But, you know, I don't think that's exactly it. I think it's more that I over think things too much. I over think about who I am, what I can do, and whether or not that matters.
And it doesn't help that I'm louder than most people about my misgivings.
I suppose I could do the whole "look it up in the dictionary" thing to start my analysis of confidence, but come on, we all know what we mean when we say someone has "confidence".
It means they show a maturity of being able to stand on their own. They don't need people to tell them they're doing a good job all the time. They're not insecure. They know who they are, and they're ok with it. Which frees up their brain to think about other things, like getting done what they need to get done, or being available for their friends and loved ones, should they need or want them around.
Hmmm...
The problem I have is when confidence bumps right up against arrogance. And let me tell you, if there's one thing I want to avoid more than insecurity, it's arrogance. I've been down that road before. Oh, you'd never know it, but I thought I was better than you. Man, I was so much smarter than you. Wiser, too. I knew what was going on so much more than you did. And I was cooler. Probably.
It shows. It's subtle, but it shows.
Yeah, so, you've got on the one hand, trying to avoid being arrogant, thinking too much of yourself, and then you've also got to be confident, not thinking too little of yourself.....
....
...
A wise man I know once said, "Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less."
I think he was quoting someone else.  But either way, it's true.
You know what? I don't want to be confident. I don't want to be insecure, or arrogant. I want to be...I don't know. I want to be the fourth option. Whatever that is. The one where I don't freak out about by problems, or overblow my strengths, not because I have a healthy perspective of who I am, but rather, because I'm not even thinking about it at all.
I'm not sure how that plays out in real life. You can follow the whole "What Would Jesus Do" mentality and try to figure it out from there, but problem is, Jesus was in a bit of a different situation...you know, being God and all.
And the apostles? Well, they kinda couldn't shut up about Him.
........No, I won't have confidence in myself. Not in the traditional way, that is. Because you know what? I'm not one to be relied on. Sure, I can accomplish things, but...well, I'm simply not the best. How about that? That good enough?
You know what the real cause is behind insecurity and arrogance? The desire to be loved. Funky, huh? People who are arrogant want attention, and so they demand it based on what they can do. People who are insecure (I use the term loosely, as arrogant people can also be called insecure) want attention and affection because they're so pathetic. They want someone to rescue them because they care about them. So they'll advertise their failures, hoping the hero will come.
I was driving down to Georgia Tech last night, where I was going to meet up with some friends of mine for an after-dance-after-party. And I had an epiphany.
My Creator cares about me. And that's big. This much I knew already...but that implies something else.
The fact that my Creator loves me is more important than ANYTHING you think of me. I don't care who "you" are, your opinion doesn't matter as much as His. You can like me or not, you can think I'm an idiot, you can think I have no style, rhythm, or cool points at all. Fine. You can think I don't know what I'm doing, even in my area of expertise, good, then. I'm gonna be just fine.
Because my Creator loves me. And that's all I need to be able to get on with life. I can keep pursuing what I need to pursue without getting hung up on what you think of me. Not because "I know how good I am", or "I'm confident in who I am."
No, I'm not confident in who I am.
I'm confident in I Am.
Tagline...
--- "If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization." --- |
| | Posted 1/19/2008 5:19 PM - 335 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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