Interests:Dude, I didn't know they added a limit to the "Interests" and "Expertise" sections of your profile. Expertise:How disappointing. My previous answers got dramatically cut off. Occupation:Student Industry:Entertainment
...And this is not one of the paths I shall tread.
I started this blog on August 18th, 2004. That was a very different time of my life. Before I'd had a post-high school job. I didn't know half of the friends I have now. I hadn't yet experienced any of the pains or joys I've had since. And so many are documented here.
I don't know why I blog. I don't know why I like to document things, but I do. And in the archives of this Xanga, a lot of those memories I've held on to will stay. I may get an archive to hang on to later.
But now, I'm leaving Xanga.
I know I'm being kind of dramatic. But you know what? I don't think it's ridiculously so. Because really, Xanga has been kind of a semi-important part of my life. I remember when Xanga didn't have video or audio features. Heck, I've been around for most of the features they've had installed.
Honestly, I think that's part of what's motivating me. The features are getting too messy. Xanga isn't a social networking site, and it's trying to be. And I don't like it.
But that's only got me thinking about leaving. I think I'm also doing it to get a change.
My life is changing a lot right now. Like, a lot. More than the majority of the people I know are aware of. It's almost like God hit the reset button on some things. It's not major in the grand scheme of life, but really big for me.
So, I'm moving to a Blogspot. I'll be embedding the blog into my website (when I get it finished). And I'll continue to syndicate that blog to Facebook (which is where most people read it anyway).
I'll tell you, my problem isn't a lack of confidence. I've been told this before in one way or another on a number of occasions. But, you know, I don't think that's exactly it. I think it's more that I over think things too much. I over think about who I am, what I can do, and whether or not that matters.
And it doesn't help that I'm louder than most people about my misgivings.
I suppose I could do the whole "look it up in the dictionary" thing to start my analysis of confidence, but come on, we all know what we mean when we say someone has "confidence".
It means they show a maturity of being able to stand on their own. They don't need people to tell them they're doing a good job all the time. They're not insecure. They know who they are, and they're ok with it. Which frees up their brain to think about other things, like getting done what they need to get done, or being available for their friends and loved ones, should they need or want them around.
Hmmm...
The problem I have is when confidence bumps right up against arrogance. And let me tell you, if there's one thing I want to avoid more than insecurity, it's arrogance. I've been down that road before. Oh, you'd never know it, but I thought I was better than you. Man, I was so much smarter than you. Wiser, too. I knew what was going on so much more than you did. And I was cooler. Probably.
It shows. It's subtle, but it shows.
Yeah, so, you've got on the one hand, trying to avoid being arrogant, thinking too much of yourself, and then you've also got to be confident, not thinking too little of yourself.....
.... ...
A wise man I know once said, "Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less."
I think he was quoting someone else. But either way, it's true.
You know what? I don't want to be confident. I don't want to be insecure, or arrogant. I want to be...I don't know. I want to be the fourth option. Whatever that is. The one where I don't freak out about by problems, or overblow my strengths, not because I have a healthy perspective of who I am, but rather, because I'm not even thinking about it at all.
I'm not sure how that plays out in real life. You can follow the whole "What Would Jesus Do" mentality and try to figure it out from there, but problem is, Jesus was in a bit of a different situation...you know, being God and all.
And the apostles? Well, they kinda couldn't shut up about Him.
........No, I won't have confidence in myself. Not in the traditional way, that is. Because you know what? I'm not one to be relied on. Sure, I can accomplish things, but...well, I'm simply not the best. How about that? That good enough?
You know what the real cause is behind insecurity and arrogance? The desire to be loved. Funky, huh? People who are arrogant want attention, and so they demand it based on what they can do. People who are insecure (I use the term loosely, as arrogant people can also be called insecure) want attention and affection because they're so pathetic. They want someone to rescue them because they care about them. So they'll advertise their failures, hoping the hero will come.
I was driving down to Georgia Tech last night, where I was going to meet up with some friends of mine for an after-dance-after-party. And I had an epiphany.
My Creator cares about me. And that's big. This much I knew already...but that implies something else.
The fact that my Creator loves me is more important than ANYTHING you think of me. I don't care who "you" are, your opinion doesn't matter as much as His. You can like me or not, you can think I'm an idiot, you can think I have no style, rhythm, or cool points at all. Fine. You can think I don't know what I'm doing, even in my area of expertise, good, then. I'm gonna be just fine.
Because my Creator loves me. And that's all I need to be able to get on with life. I can keep pursuing what I need to pursue without getting hung up on what you think of me. Not because "I know how good I am", or "I'm confident in who I am."
No, I'm not confident in who I am.
I'm confident in I Am.
Tagline...
--- "If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization." ---
I was in the Yahoo! Answers thing again. In the "Computers and Internet" category was this question:
"What's your favorite letter on the keyboard?"
.....Hehehe. I couldn't resist.
This was my answer:
"S. He's such an individual. You know how a lot of letters have a letter
kind of like it? M has N (and to a lesser extent Z). W has M. A has V.
I, T, and L all got that vertical line thing going on. K, P, E, F, and
R are all just fancy vertical-liners. Then there's D and B. I mean,
what is B but two Ds? And then there's Y which is just a V on stilts.
There's One-Legged Q, and his no legged brother O.
.....But S? Man, S has got it going on. One fluid line, and yet so many
complex curves. Such finesse and style. Even words that have "s" in
them are cooler because of it. Smooth. Slick. Smarmy.
Oh, yeah. S is where it's at."
So, what's YOUR favorite letter?
..........This is what I'm posting at 6am?!!! I haven't slept yet.
Hehe. Funky.
(I promise I've been up most of the time for better reasons then Yahoo! Answers.)
Tagline...
--- "There's too much blood in my caffeine system." ---
I'll skip the backstory of the Terminator series. Look it up if you want. But it's fascinating how John Connor, who has yet to go through all the things in life he's gonna go through, all the things he'll accomplish, and all the pain he'll endure....he doubts. He doubts whether or not he can do it.
The T-101 who's already been there, seen it. It's simply a matter of fact for him. John's in a tough situation, freaking out, doubting whether or not he can pull it off. The T-101 responds with simply, "You're wrong."
Not to encourage him, or tell him how great he is. Simply that it's going to happen.
I once heard Louie Giglio speak about Moses and the burning bush. Fascinatingly, Moses gets all freaked out about his ability to go to Pharaoh, release the captive Jews, and lead them to the promised land. Moses doesn't think he can pull it off.
What does I Am tell him? Well, quite simply, He tells Moses, "I'll be with you." Not that Moses is all that great. Not, "You can do it Moses!" But rather, that the Creator is there. I Am could use anyone. He chose Moses. And it's because of the Creator that Moses can pull it off.
We sang a song today at Young Adults. "Not to us, but to Your name be the glory."
That's what I'm talking about.
In other Terminator quotes, concerning the T-101's revelation that Katherine will one day be John's wife:
John: "You sure about this? About her and me, I mean?"
Ahnold: "Your confusion is not rational. She is a healthy female of breeding age."
John: "I think there's a little more to it than that."
Ahnold: "My database does not encompass the dynamics of human pair bonding." *walks off*
But either way, it's true.
